As Inflation Rises And Prices Of Precious Metals Fall, Thieves Steal Orchids Instead

Illustration by Barry Pyngrope

The pandemic is ravaging the earth of everything it has. Prices of precious metals have fallen and currencies around the globe are deemed void. In a world full of uncertainty, its most precious commodity? Plants.

2022 will be known in history as the year orchids became the most valuable commodity on the planet.

Reaching out to Botanist Prof. Rosie Bush, we discovered that orchids are actually quite useful. A bouquet of orchids goes for Rupees 69,000 at a black-market auction.

Elon Musk, the world’s richest person, tweeted that his most recent investment has gone into “orchid coin,” a recent cryptocurrency founded by the creator of Bitcoin, Satoshi Nakamoto.

The orchid bandits have struck fear into the homes of families everywhere. Orchids are being put behind electrocuted fences, security personnel are being employed, and there’s been a rise in breeding guard dogs at home.

“This is the only way to protect our orchids,” says a knife-wielding man from Upper Shillong (US), India. “This is why we need knives and guns. Our society has descended into anarchy. We have to protect ourselves and our orchids!”

A group called Orchid Bandits has been created on the social networking site, Facebook, where bandits of all ages get together and discuss creative ways of using orchids. The greatest publication in the comedy world, Half and One, went undercover and interacted with Mr. Bonnie (name changed), an 80-year-old bandit who asked his own daughter to climb the wall of the house of an avid orchid collector and steal Rupees 10,00,000 worth of hybrid orchids known as Chochids.

“Orchid bandits are a menace. How can a rational human being send his adolescent pig-tailed hair daughter to steal orchids?!” The orchid collector exclaimed..


Author: Neil Wallang

Neil Wallang is a staff writer. He has a Masters in English from Delhi University. An avid Manchester United fan, he loves technology, cars, and books.

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